I am a trained professional counselor with many years of experience working with children, adolescents, adults, and their families. I have facilitated multiple family groups to strengthen families in addressing problem behaviors in children. I have worked with couples who have been scared by the pains of infidelity, and women hurt by the wound of intimate partner violence. And, what I have learned with working with these couples and families is the need for Six C’s for Successful Marriages.
The Six C’s for Successful Marriages are:
Confidence is defined as the the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something with firm trust. It takes having confidence in your spouse for a successful marriage. Confidence is built during the dating phase by getting to know the individual’s character and displayed by their actions. When confidence or trust is broken, time needs to be given so it can be rebuilt, brick by brick. Both parties need to be willing to restore confidence through demonstration, renewed perspective, willingness to acknowledge efforts, and forgiveness.
Communication is the process of sharing and exchanging information. Communication can simply be applied to sharing plans for the day. But, most importantly, sharing one's thoughts, feelings, and concerns regarding different matters. Confidence is built through communication. The style of communication is also important. Individuals need to engage in assertive and respectful communication. You know the old adage “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it!”
Cooperation or collaboration is the process of functioning as a team and in partnership. Cooperation is working together for a shared, common, and mutual benefit. Cooperation is about winning together. It is the total opposite of competition where there are opponents seeking to win or accomplish something for selfish gain. It’s about being better together!
Compromise, similar to cooperation, within marriage is having the willingness to resolve conflict or a dispute by making individual concessions. It is learning and having the willingness to free yourself from being right. It is learning the art of communication and negotiation. Not to get your way, but to consider the points and feelings of your spouse regarding a matter. It requires having an empathetic stance to understand and share in spouse's experience. It must be understood that it is not in the best interest of the relationship for one party to always be right and/or in control.
Commitment is the the cornerstone of the covenant of marriage. It is being dedicated and devoted to your spouse unconditionally. It requires making an allegiance to honor Christ in your marriage despite hardship, trial, or tribulation. Commitment is living out the agreement pledge during the vow exchange: “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part." This was not just an exchange of mere words, but requires action.
You need the Chief Cornerstone in your marriage. Each factor discussed (confidence, communication, cooperation, compromise, and commitment) must be rooted and aligned with Christ. We must have confidence in Christ, and trust the Christ in our spouse. We must communicate in a honorable fashion as we exhibit Christ. We must demonstrate holy cooperation and compromise to demonstrate the love of Christ. And, we must remain committed despite various circumstances, to glorify Christ.
Our marriages in the earth are to represent the marriage supper of the Lamb. It will be the marriage of Christ and the Church. This is not a demand for perfect marriage, but an encouragement for healthy and successful marriages. Ephesians 5:22-33 MSG paints a great picture:
Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.
In all, the Six Cs for Successful Marriages are rooted in a seventh C, charity which is love.
My heart often breaks when I see any individual going about life aimlessly. Their body moves at a pace that shows no speed, no direction, and no urgency. Their facial expression lacks joy, lacks peace, and lacks hope. They’re often frustrated, dissatisfied, and defeated with their current state of affairs. More often than not this is frequently a symptom indicating that someone is unaware and disjointed from their purpose and destiny. Thus, they have either settled and/or accepted life to be mundane and void of purpose.
For the purpose of understanding, mundane is defined as lacking interest or excitement, dull, ordinary, commonplace, banal (BLAH, BLAND, HUMDRUM) and unimaginative. Certainly, certain aspects related to the fulfillment of purpose and on the pathway to destiny are routine in nature and have that “day-to-day” feel. Yet, we are called to greatness to live exciting and extraordinary lives. We can often feel our internal workings within our soul alerting us that there is something more, something greater, and something more impactful.
Biblical scripture provides solid evidence that we have purpose and we have destiny. This purpose and destiny has been prewritten and preplanned by the True and Living God. Let’s take a look:
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Jeremiah 29:11 KJV
All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old. God, your thoughts are precious to me. They are so many!
Psalm 139:16-17 NCV
For we are God’s [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live].
Ephesians 2:10 AMP
Truly no one is called to a life of mundane existence. Mundane can further be defined as pertaining to this world or earth and temporal rather than heavenly, spiritual, and/or supernatural. Thus, I further understand and identify this to mean lacking the heavenly and spiritual influence that comes from God. As I woke up this morning, I thought “no one is called to the mundane” and to settle for life void of joy, mission, and intention. In all, my hope is to stir, awaken, and encourage everyone to pursue God and the purpose and destiny He has predesigned for their lives.
On several occasions I’ve come in contact with adolescent and young adult females who shared their stories that summed up to the definition of date rape. The variables were all similar, a young woman between the age of 13 and 19 years of age. This same young woman was attending a party with friends and/or acquaintances. This young woman was then coerced to engage in underage alcohol consumption to the point of inebriation, then encouraged to participate in sexual activity that could include everything from performing varying sexual acts to sexual intercourse. When confronted with the fact that they were in fact a victim of sexual assault and/or rape. They vehemently report that they were aware of what happened and they were in control. But, is that really true?
The Illinois State Police Department define date rape by the following:
Date rape is a form of acquaintance rape. It is the forced sexual contact by someone the victim is or has been dating. Regardless of the amount of time a couple has dated--in some cases, they may have just met and it may be the first "date," they may have been together for years, or even no longer a couple--when sex is forced on someone by the use of threats, intimidation, trickery, or in cases where consent cannot be given because of impaired judgment due to alcohol or drug intoxication, it is RAPE. And, it is against the law.
In most cases, the influence of alcohol or a chemical substance removes a person’s inhibitors, both physical and psychological. Being under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs is not an excuse for sexual violence.
Unfortunately, researchers have not been able to properly calculate statistics, because of many victims fail to report these incidents. However, the Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault (ICASA) provide the following statistics for sexual assault among adolescent:
· More than 70% of rape victims knew their attackers, compared to about half of all violent crime victims.
· 90% of rape victims who knew their attacker did not report the attack to the police.
· 38% of acquaintance rape victims are 14-17 years old.
· 90% of rape victims under age 13 knew their attacker.
· 57% of the rapes happened on dates
· Only 27% of the women considered themselves to be victims of rape, although their assaults met the legal definition of rape, which is indicated above.
So, how do we prevent further incidents of date/acquaintance rape from occurring among adolescents?
Give yourselves to disciplined instruction; open your ears to tested knowledge. Don't be afraid to correct your young ones . . . (you) might save them from something worse than death.
Proverbs 23:12-14 Message
The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 12:18 NIV
3. Guide them to the comfort of the Lord.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18 NIV
I can remember being a little girl who would often succumb to fear. If I would see another school kid in public I would often hide behind my mother and refuse to speak. Once when asked to recite a speaking part in a Kindergarten program, during the practice I would spend several minutes crying excessively refusing to recite my part which I knew very well. I began to grow out of it as I had gotten older and more comfortable with my peers and teachers in school. However, transition always proved to be difficult for me. When going to high school and later to college I began to turn inward, introverted, reserved, and shy. It was safer to self-preserve from threat and discomfort. I respond now by being a risk taker. When I feel fear arising I try to do the opposite, and be bold and not allow time to past because it can make it even more difficult to progress.
What is fear?
Fear is defined by Webster as to feel afraid or apprehension; it is an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by or the anticipation or awareness of danger; implies anxiety and loss of courage.
Panic is defined as the sudden overpowering fright, unreasonable terror, of relating to or resembling the mental or emotional state induced by the god Pan. What?
A note about Pan: Pan has been described as a pagan god in Greek mythology and was believed to be responsible for sudden, inexplicable fear or panic. But, we are not called to idolatry. We are called to have holy fear, respect, and reverence to the One True God (Exodus 20:3-5 KJV). DO NOT BOW TO FEAR!!! Healthy fear is that of reverence and respect, awe to the true and living God, not associated with self-preservation due to an impending, irrational, and overpowering threat.
Hebrew words for fear:
The Spirit of Fear may attempt to mask itself in terms like reserved, introversion, and shy. Introversion is the state or tendency toward being completely concerned with and interested in one’s own mental life; turned inward or upon self, a reserved or shy person. Shy means to shrink away from contact with others, to be timid (easily frightened or fearful), hidden (reserved), and hesitant (bashful).
In the psychological and psychiatry sphere of mental health there is a host of Anxiety Disorders in which I will discuss in-depth later in the month. But, they include:
1. Read what God told Joshua.
Be strong (confident) and of good courage, for you shall cause this people to inherit the land which I swore to their fathers to give them. Only you be strong and very courageous, that you may do according to all the law which Moses My servant commanded you. Turn not from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may prosper wherever you go. This Book of the Law shall not depart out of your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, that you may observe and do according to all that is written in it. For then you shall make your way prosperous, and then you shall deal wisely and have good success. Have not I commanded you? Be strong, vigorous, and very courageous. Be not afraid, neither be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:5-9 AMP
2. This is Paul’s words to Timothy.
That is why I would remind you to stir up (rekindle the embers of, fan the flame of, and keep burning) the [gracious] gift of God, [the inner fire] that is in you by means of the laying on of my hands [with those of the elders at your ordination].For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:5,6 AMP
3. John wrote the following in an epistle.
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:16-18 NIV
Fear should not be ignored or minimized. It can have paralyzing effects that prevents us from experiencing the fullness of our callings in God. It can cause us to hold back and withdraw, because of our intent to protect ourselves which is our self-image and pride. This is often because of the fear of making a mistake, shame that may result, and the fear of the inability to cope with it. BE STRONG AND VERY COURAGEOUS!!
As she described the relationship with her boyfriend, she continued to justify and minimize the intensity of their relationship. Mya, a 16 year old Junior at Craven High School, had been dating Jonathan, a 17 year old Senior, for only six months. Mya had been recommended to speak with the school's guidance counselor after her swimming coach observed several fairly large bruises to Mya's arms, legs, and shoulders.
When questioned about the bruising Mya excused the bruises to making a clumsy fall. However, that story changed in later weeks. Mya shared that Jonathan became angry one night when she'd asked him to take her home, and because of her continued questioning he became violent. According to Mya, he apologized to her excessively promising never to do it again. She assured that she trusted him.
Mya began missing several days of school. She shared with her guidance counselor that she'd had been asked by Jonathan to skip school to hang out with him. Mya also shared that Jonathan would send her text messages frequently during the school day inquiring of her whereabouts, and only wanted her to walk home from school with him. When asked about other relationships with friends, Mya responded that Jonathan did not care much for her friends because they were too immature. Mya advised that she liked the attention and Jonathan only did it because he loved her.
Mya had fallen prey to Confusing Intensity for Love. The common thread found among teen dating violence. Mya and Jonathan are fictional characters, but this story is true to several teens and tweens.
What is Teen Dating Violence?
Between Friends, a Domestic Violence agency in Chicago, describes teen dating violence as the repeated pattern of mental, physical, emotional, sexual, or economic abuse where one dating partner makes the other partner feel scared, weak, isolated, hurt, or sad.
A Few Statistics
The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, loveisrespect.org provides the following statistics:
Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 MSG
I remember, several years ago, every Monday I had to attend an Orientation/New Clinicians Group at an agency where I worked. Almost every Monday I would race out my apartment about 8:30ish. I would expect to travel from the Southeast side of Chicago to a western suburb in thirty minutes, and expect to arrive on time for my 9:00 AM meeting. The same thing went for a weekly team meeting on Wednesday. It wascheduled for 9:00 AM, as well. I’m usually scooted out the door at about 8:30. I’ll arrive in a nick of time, slide in a seat next to my supervisor, flash her a smile, and say “Hey,” just a few seconds before she says “Ok, let’s get started." Whew. I would think "Sweat of my brow, I made it!" I knew some of my fellow co-workers were going to be tardy as well. We would text each other as we traveled through rush hour traffic saying “Hey, I’m running behind. Can you tell . . . I’m going to be late? TTYL.” We may reply back to each other, “I’m running late, too. Whoever gets there first . . .” You can figure out the rest. Certainly, most of our team leaders and supervisors were very easy going, and understanding. However, punctuality is a very important characteristic to have in the workplace.
Punctuality comes from the root word punctual which means to be on time, and simply prompt.
Kristen M. Anderson writes in her article Why Punctuality Gains Respect in the Workplace the following:
This article was written for the general public, and of course as Christians we are held to a standard of EXCELLENCE. Certainly, we may encounter various mishaps that may cause us to be late. I know for me I usually get distracted with changing my clothes, trying to make breakfast/lunch at the last minute, or watching one more feature on Good Morning America.
I've asked God to help me with integrity and character. I’ve been allowed to see where I can make some improvements, and punctuality is one of them. I would certainly like to demonstrate respect toward my colleagues and clients. Not for my personal benefit, but to be able to prove my ability to be responsible to take on important tasks and represent the Kingdom of God as a leader in the workplace. Punctuality may seem to be just a minor factor in our everyday work lives, but as indicated by Kristen M. Anderson it can be a key to excelling.
Seest thou a man diligent in his business? He shall stand before kings; he shall not stand before mean men.
Proverbs 22:29 KJV
The P Word: Understanding and Overcoming ProcrastinationThoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors Thursday
Each Thursday I will take a look at common irrational thoughts, unfounded feelings, and abnormal behavior in a realistic and practical manner with a biblical solution. Today we will take a look at procrastination.
What does it mean?
procrastinate: (verb) to put off intentionally and habitually the doing of something that should be done.
A Few Facts about Procrastinators (Marano, 2003)
1. An estimate of 20% of individuals refer to themselves as procrastinators
2. It is a maladaptive behavior which manifest into one’s life by:
• Not paying bills on time
• Missing the opportunity to buy tickets to concerts and events
• Not cashing gift certificates or checks
• Filing tax returns late
• Leaving Christmas shopping to Christmas Eve
3. Lies they believe
• “I’ll feel more like doing this tomorrow.”
• “I work better under pressure.”
• “It’s not that important.”
• “I’m more creative.”
4. Find other meaningless distractions (i.e. like checking email, getting on facebook, twitter, etc.)
• Thoughts of Inadequacy/Self-Doubt/Wrong Beliefs
• Lack of Motivation
• Indecisive/Inability to Prioritize
In a nutshell, it really appears to be rooted in anxiety and fear. All the reasons can be interconnected in many ways, but let’s look at a few. Perfectionist wants approval and must prove their worth by being perfect. They fear that if they perform and make a mistake everyone will find out they are not perfect and will be rejected. It’s very similar for the confused. Confusion means to misunderstand and to be uncertain. The fear is that someone will know they did not understand something and doesn’t know everything. All, of which may lead to other feelings and thoughts of inadequacy and self-doubt, and make one indecisive, loose motivation, and become lazy and idle.
What must be done?
Ten ways to overcome procrastination could be listed. However, fear and anxiety must be addressed.
1. Pray, ask for what you need, and give thanks.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.
Philippines 4:6 NKJV
2. Trust and praise God.
In God, whose word I praise, in the LORD, whose word I praise—in God I trust and am not afraid. What can man do to me?
Psalm 56:11 NIV
3. Know that your worth and value is in God’s perfect love and not your performance.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18 NIV
4. Know simply God did not give you fear.
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7 KJV
Personal Note: I can personally say each of those factors described me in one way or another. I can also remember stating each lie while in school and even at work every now and then. When the Lord gave me the assignment to start writing, it was some time back, and it took me until now to really be obedient to the vision. When completing my thesis for graduate school, it took eight months of procrastination because of anxiety and fear of rejection to submit my work that received rave reviews. A while back I posted "Don't lose the vision by procrastinating." Right after that, I was challenged by the Holy Spirit "you would likely over-think and underestimate. If you wait, the message will become irrelevant, and/or outdated. So, let's get to work so that God will be glorified." I challenge myself now when I find myself being unproductive, by pursuing the goals and purposes that God has designed and planned for me. I also, challenge myself with "be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil" (Ephesians 5:15, 16 NIV).
1. Marano, H.E. (2003). Procrastination: Ten things to know. Psychology Today. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/node/24800
There are many situations that plague the lives of many individuals. My desire as a counselor is to help individuals heal and live an abundant life! One approach, is to look at these situations through the lenses of scripture and become acquainted with The Most Wonderful Counselor.
Why Wonderful Counselor?
Webster defines wonderful as exciting wonder, marvelous, astonishing, unusually good, and admirable. According to Strong’s, wonderful is Hebrew for pele’, which means wonder, marvel, extraordinarily hard to understand.
While counselor, according to Webster, is described as a person who gives advice or counseling. The Hebrew, according to Strong’s, word for counselor is ya`ats which means to advise, consult, give counsel, purpose, devise, plan. While, in Greek the word is parakletos, which means an intercessor, consoler, advocate, and comforter.
Counseling, as defined by Webster, is a professional guidance of the individual by utilizing psychological methods especially in collecting case history data, using various techniques of the personal interview, and testing interests and aptitudes. As a Counselor myself, I use all of those methods to provide guidance to people who experience a variety of distressing life situations. But, wouldn’t it be even better to find purpose and advice by consulting the Great Intercessor, Consoler, Advocate, and Comforter.
Jesus, in John 14:16 KJV states “And I will pray to the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever.” Later in verse 26 He reiterates “But the Comforter, which is the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said to you.”
Jesus is described as the Wonderful Counselor in Isaiah 9:6, and teaches the disciples of another Counselor, the Holy Spirit, in the Gospel of John. Paul writes the Corinthians “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3,4 NIV
Thus, I pray that Wonderful Counselor finds your heart and that it does not be troubled by the distressing cares and concerns of this world because we have an Excellent and Wonderful Counselor that brings us unusually good and astonishing consolation, advocacy, comfort and care.
Why Professional Counseling?
Counseling is professional guidance provided to resolve interpersonal conflicts and emotional and mental health problems. Professional Counseling provides an opportunity to individuals to discuss information in a private, comfortable, and non-judgmental environment.
Eight Reasons People Seek Counseling:
1. Aid in decision making.
2. When feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and/or depressed.
3. Resolve relationship conflicts.
4. Experiencing difficulty with life transitions.
5. Grief following to loss of a loved one.
6. Dissatisfaction with various life circumstances.
7. Problems parenting children and teenagers.
8. Support following trauma.
Five Benefits of Professional Counseling:
1. Privacy & Confidentially
2. Improvement in Mental and Emotional Health
3. Unbiased Counsel & Guidance
4. Development of Autonomy & Empowerment
5. Clinically Trained
Professional Counselors are trained to provide clinical therapy and counseling to individuals with major psychiatric symptoms. They utilize talk therapy and teach and train their clients coping techniques and symptom management to improve their functioning within their home and community environments. On a need basis, professional counselors will work with Psychiatrists and other medical professionals to coordinate care and best meet the needs of the individual.
Crystal S. Zanders is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who works in private practice in Suburban Chicago. Crystal obtained her Bachelor of Arts in Communication from the University of Illinois at Chicago and Master of Arts in Counseling from Concordia University-Chicago in River Forest, IL. Crystal has over 8 years of experience providing counseling, advising, and coaching to individuals seeking to restore their lives. Crystal is actively involve in ministry. Crystal serves on the leadership team alongside her husband at Prayer City Church in Wheaton, IL. Additionally, Crystal is the co-founder of The Oasis Ministry, a women's ministry designed to encourage women in their growth in faith, purpose, and wholeness! Crystal’s favorite pastimes include: reading, writing, crocheting/knitting skills, and going to the movies. Her heart’s desire is to see individuals gain insight into their God-given identity and live a life of wholeness and purpose! Crystal loves to bring clarity and understanding through the truth of God’s Word and enjoys utilizing writing as a teaching modality.